Pasquinade press likes to think of itself as a multi talented agency, equally providing commentary and criticism to all forms of news and types of media. And so when asked to review Grammy nominated album Party Rock by LMFAO, I knew all opinion would have to be set aside. So I snorted three sizeable lines of cocaine and locked myself in our venetian villa style offices for an unbiased listen. What I’ve really elucidated is that Party Rock is by all standards a unique album, its tracks painting a definitive picture. A picture of an old man rampantly fucking doves in the park.
Track 1: Rock the Beat
Oh LMFAO this sounds like Eye of the Tiger. And then you start talking. This song is about drinking and dancing. I’m sure the other tracks will be different. I also supported appeasement during WWII.
Track 2: I’m in Miami Bitch
You’d think this song would be an essay illustrating a strong opinion on living in the Florida area. It appears instead LMFAO focused on the ability to drink and dance at a club. It occurs to me these men aren’t singing nearly as much as attempting to sound like they have speech impediments. Not enough cocaine in the world can save me.
Track 3: Get Crazy
I’m writing this at the end of I’m In Miami Bitch and pray this song will be about something other than partying. Not that I don’t appreciate a good party song, but LMFAO has basically made it almost boring to listen to tales of alcoholism and rhythm….oh wait this is the Jersey Shore theme. “…Ho ho ho and a bottle of goose.” “…Titties nontheless.” If I had to give a good equivalent to this song I think an anesthesia-less vasectomy strikes pretty close to the mark.
Track 3: Lil’ Hipster
This song starts out with an intro akin to that used by Daft Punk. Which is sort of like feeding a blindfolded man Belgian truffles before ushering over the naked multi-phallus’d trucker for the main course. The backbeat to this song almost makes it seem like I’m listening to a song with composition and vocals that correlate to the rhythm. Then they steal a part of Zombie Nation and I realize this album is something akin to a drop of jizz from a load the devil mistakenly shot up to earth.
Track 4: Lalala
This song was a single, and fairly popular in clubs. The chorus is literally Lalala… So really there are no words in the chorus. So essentially a club song can have me talking about dissecting a Somalian hooker’s lady parts and with the right backing every Affliction wearing bro and snookie-anatomical dwarf beast will be getting their groove on to it. Its worth noting that autotune plays about as much of a part in this album as alcohol did in Charlton Heston’s life.
Track 5: What Happens at the Party
Gosh I wonder what this song will be about. I think it’s vital I mention not one song I’ve heard on this album resonates anything in my head except a, “dog told me to kill LMFAO” urge. I can see this album pitch, “Well it’s fourteen songs about partying and drinking. Where we explicitly discuss the acts and do nothing in the way of lyrical implication or substance.” Somewhere the cosmic force that made David Bowie is checking its head size in reference to its oven capacity.
Track 6: Leaving U 4 the Groove
Track 7: I Don’t Wanna Be
I swear the backing chorus to this is “kill again.” If you feel like disputing this, feel free to come to our offices. Bring a hunk of wood to bite down on and a shard of glass with one side taped up. The surprise of how I combine them will be revealed when you arrive.
Track 8: Shots
Yep, can’t make it through this . But I’ll end this review on the one good track of the album. Good in the sense that if you double fist alcohol and a chaser in tune to the command of “shots!” you will become so unbelievably drunk that its likely you will throw money at your friends when asked to play your turn at Apples to Apples. This is just a comparative, and in no way reflects a real life event. At all. Party on troglodytes.