Ke$ha Wakes Up Feeling Like Herself

After months of waking up “feeling like P. Diddy,” Ke$ha, the singer of the hit song “Tik Tok,” woke up feeling like herself after the effects of a four day cocaine bender wore off.

“It didn’t feel too different,” she posted on her Twitter account.  Music executives have rushed to quell the rumors that the song, in its entirety, was a sham all along.

“Kesha did not genuinely inhabit the body of Sean Combs,” RCA Records executives said in a statement. “That is more literal interpretation than originally intended.  In fact, to set the record straight at the risk of her fans needing to alter their translation of the song, she consistently woke up feeling irrelevant and like people didn’t really know what she did for a living.”

When asked via Twitter by a high school football captain if she had ever brushed her teeth with Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey, Kesha was advised to tread carefully in her answer: “because I’d lose mad respect for you if you didn’t. That shit is pretty awesome, bro.”

The pop star admits to being slightly overwhelmed to all the attention paid to her post on the social networking site, but music industry analysts are nonplussed.

“It’s simply a matter of relating to people. How many morons does it take to make another moron famous?” said Jim Ashton, a widely-respected music blogger who tracks the latest industry trends.  “Answer: enough to break digital music downloading records.” At this, Ashton shakes his head, seeming genuinely baffled.

Review LMFAO-Party Rock

Pasquinade press likes to think of itself as a multi talented agency, equally providing commentary and criticism to all forms of news and types of media. And so when asked to review Grammy nominated album Party Rock by LMFAO, I knew all opinion would have to be set aside. So I snorted three sizeable lines of cocaine and locked myself in our venetian villa style offices for an unbiased listen. What I’ve really elucidated is that Party Rock is by all standards a unique album, its tracks painting a definitive picture. A picture of an old man rampantly fucking doves in the park.

Track 1: Rock the Beat

Oh LMFAO this sounds like Eye of the Tiger. And then you start talking. This song is about drinking and dancing. I’m sure the other tracks will be different. I also supported appeasement during WWII.

Track 2: I’m in Miami Bitch

You’d think this song would be an essay illustrating a strong opinion on living in the Florida area. It appears instead LMFAO focused on the ability to drink and dance at a club. It occurs to me these men aren’t singing nearly as much as attempting to sound like they have speech impediments. Not enough cocaine in the world can save me.

Track 3: Get Crazy

I’m writing this at the end of I’m In Miami Bitch and pray this song will be about something other than partying. Not that I don’t appreciate a good party song, but LMFAO has basically made it almost boring to listen to tales of alcoholism and rhythm….oh wait this is the Jersey Shore theme. “…Ho ho ho and a bottle of goose.” “…Titties nontheless.” If I had to give a good equivalent to this song I think  an anesthesia-less vasectomy strikes pretty close to the mark.

Track 3: Lil’ Hipster

This song starts out with an intro akin to that used by Daft Punk. Which is sort of like feeding a blindfolded man Belgian truffles before ushering over the naked multi-phallus’d trucker for the main course. The backbeat to this song almost makes it seem like I’m listening to a song with composition and vocals that correlate to the rhythm. Then they steal a part of Zombie Nation and I realize this album is something akin to a drop of jizz from a load the devil mistakenly shot up to earth.

Track 4: Lalala

This song was a single, and fairly popular in clubs. The chorus is literally Lalala… So really there are no words in the chorus. So essentially a club song can have me talking about dissecting a Somalian hooker’s lady parts and with the right backing every Affliction wearing bro and snookie-anatomical dwarf beast will be getting their groove on to it. Its worth noting that autotune plays about as much of a part in this album as alcohol did in Charlton Heston’s life.

Track 5: What Happens at the Party

Gosh I wonder what this song will be about. I think it’s vital I mention not one song I’ve heard on this album resonates anything in my head except a, “dog told me to kill LMFAO” urge. I can see this album pitch, “Well it’s fourteen songs about partying and drinking. Where we explicitly discuss the acts and do nothing in the way of lyrical implication or substance.” Somewhere the cosmic force that made David Bowie is checking its head size in reference to its oven capacity.

Track 6: Leaving U 4 the Groove

Track 7: I Don’t Wanna Be

I swear the backing chorus to this is “kill again.” If you feel like disputing this, feel free to come to our offices. Bring a hunk of wood to bite down on and a shard of glass with one side taped up. The surprise of how I combine them will be revealed when you arrive.

Track 8: Shots

Yep, can’t make it through this . But I’ll end this review on the one good track of the album. Good in the sense that if you double fist alcohol and a chaser in tune to the command of “shots!” you will become so unbelievably drunk that its likely you will throw money at your friends when asked to play your turn at Apples to Apples. This is just a comparative, and in no way reflects a real life event. At all. Party on troglodytes.

Steve Jobs’ Latest Victory: Photography

At a recent technology convention, Steve Jobs once again wowed the world with the ingenuity of the Apple engineers.

“We have discovered,” announced Jobs to a crowd of raucous and enthusiastic supporters, “that when you expose certain non-sensitive media to different types of radiation and light, it can create a chemical imprint of what you are viewing right at that instant.  You can capture moments in your every day experiences. You can capture landscapes. You can create art from life happening all around you. This has so much potential to be a beautiful, complex process.”

The announcement and unveiling of the new subsequent Apple products for producing such images, such as the iD50 and the iRebel, were met with widespread curiosity and excitement.

“I can’t wait to buy one of these image-producing machines!” writes a consumer on an Apple forum. “I just hope they have touch screens, since I can’t really remember how to push buttons.”

Though consumers seem to be supportive, other companies are less so, citing minor flaws in the program.  Steve McCurry, world-renowned photojournalist for National Geographic and other publications, commented on his blog that he was “pretty sure this already existed.” Other critics have issues with the aesthetics of the groundbreaking new technology, the most common being that the iD50 and iRebel are unoriginal models based on cameras already in production and during the presentation were simply painted white. However, supporters of the ambitious Apple Inc. efforts dismiss these claims, calling critics “pathetic naysayers of Steve Jobs’ obviously genius vision.”

When told about the release of the new products, Michio Kariya, president of Nikon, reacted with obvious disgust. His statement, translated loosely from its original Japanese: “you have got to be fucking kidding me.”

4 Top Models Dead After Gruesome Photo Shoot

The reality television world is reeling after the tragic and gruesome deaths of four contestants of the hit show America’s Next Top Model during an especially risky photo shoot.

Though authorities have not yet commented on the circumstances of the deaths, insiders have said that the show, which usually presents challenging, creative editorials that vaguely reference the modeling experiences of host Tyra Banks, was in the process of shooting a Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory tribute.  The models were expected to recreate various famous scenes from the 1971 film, including the Fizzy Lifting Drink scene in which Charlie and his grandfather must burp to lower themselves down after consuming Fizzy Lifting Drinks to avoid being sucked into a turbine in the ceiling.

“This is all well and good,” confessed one of the insiders, “only…unfortunately…the real-life cure for Fizzy Lifting Drinks isn’t burping. Or, apparently, screaming.”

Through public records, Pasquinade Press has learned that the violent incident occurred due to a malfunctioning harness which was supposed to stop just before the models got to the top of the chamber, recreated specifically for the shoot.

When asked for a comment, Tyra Banks issued this statement, catching criticism on a massive scale: “I was trying to teach the girls that it’s important to remain fierce in the face of all kinds of temptation, including the temptation to eat.  I would have mastered that shoot, but not all models have the strength to overcome all the obstacles of creativity while simultaneously selling an outfit.  It’s such a shame that these beautiful girls had to learn the hard way that they were not meant to be models.”

Though many have called for the cancellation of the show, major corporate entities and talent agencies have shown a surprising amount of support: “We favor the continuation of America’s Next Top Model even in the face of such a horrible accident,” said a blurb on the Cover Girl website: “otherwise, how the hell are we supposed to find cheap, nameless models to promote our products?”

Trip to Hollister Equated to Tour of Duty in Vietnam

Recent scientific studies at the FIT science division have determined that a trip to Hollister is a psychological and sensory equivalent to completing a tour of duty in the military during the Vietnam war. After sending several volunteering students to a Hollister on an unrelated project, FIT science specialists were shocked to find the returning individuals traumatized and ashamed. Comparisons to war-time guilt and trauma were inescapable, and soon comparative research found the closest comparison to be the level of damage experienced by Vietnam veterans. Seeing how damaging this situation proved, scientists did what they do best and recruited more volunteers in exchange for monetary compensation, sending them out to see if in fact war-time Vietnam and Hollister were correlated on a post traumatic stress level. Volunteers were encouraged to write notes on the situations they were facing for further material to be evaluated. Here, displayed for the first time to the public, is one such account.

Subject: B4678

Sex: M

Objective: Sent out to retrieve pair of boot-cut jeans.

_____________________________________________

-I have arrived at the store. The mood lighting is extremely off-putting and employees are scarce. I find myself staring over my shoulder often expecting another patron or staff folding clothing. The shelves housing the clothing are even darker and checking sizes is nearly impossible. There is something ominous about this place, and I feel as if I am unprepared, even with my mom’s Amex.

-I came in between songs on the radio here, and foolishly thought my senses handicapped then. Now, thirty seconds into a pop rock song, my ears are ringing. I am fumbling in the area for jeans, searching recklessly for a 32 waist. There are still no employees and my brain races with confusion as to why anyone would want to pretend they were at a club while shopping for clothes.

-Two customers finally pass me. I thought I was entirely alone. But seeing them explains how this place ravages a person. First a muscled young man in an Ed Hardy t-shirt. It looks like he spilled funfetti on a tattoo design. He grabs clothing with little regard to its price or color. A bleach blonde girl whose skin is painfully orange even in this light struts around, and scoffs at me, as if disgusted I would look at her incredibly slutty outfit. I cannot unsee these things but pray I can somehow leave them buried in my subconscious. I would rather be tortured in my nightmares than acknowledge the man’s chin strap.

-I stumble to the cash register where a squeaky voiced tan girl rings me up. I can hear nothing over the Metro Station song playing, and the receipt is indecipherable in this light. Suddenly panic overtakes all rationale and I grab my bag, ignoring the offer to join their rewards club. The florescent lighting of the mall hallway is the definition of relief, and I emerge clutching the remainder of my humanity. But the damage has been done. My jeans have fake holes worn in them, and now seem to be made out of a cheaper material then in the tinted lighting. The receipt is a testament to my sins, a price unreasonable for any apparel. But I dare not to go back to return it, or confess what I have noticed. I have suffered enough. But several emo mall rats think other wise, and calling me a “faggy jock”. One spits near my person. God forgive me for what I’ve done.

___________________________

A sordid tale indeed. Next article we’ll be covering a recent study on Applebee’s service as it compares to being on a train to Auschwitz.

Scientific Results Show Bro Behavior Becomes Productive Post Academic Year

Rutgers researcher Simon Patel is an expert on the behavior of bros.  Patel has been the head of Rutgers bro-studies department since its formation in the mid-nineties. His studies up until this point have included the violent consequences of a pizza shortage on a Thursday night and endangering himself in a particularly controversial study on bro rage levels correlating to the changing of a party iPod to something other than hip hop remixes. However, a recent study has unearthed easily the most fascinating element of bro behavior Patel has ever seen.

“I call it temporary intellectualism and it is in fact a behavior found exclusively in bros. Though traces of the behavior have been found in samples of stoners. The behavior essentially entails a bro becoming suddenly interested in intellectually nurturing material the minute his academic studies have been completed.”

Up until the moment the final exam is turned in, the bro remains entirely content in drinking case upon case of cheap beer and watching porn with a group of several men grabbing at the crotch of their sweat pants in a totally non-gay way. But Patel was shocked to note through samplings of bro behavior that as soon as the academic year ends, this propensity for Natti Ice and sorostitutes becomes non-existent. “I’ve observed bros leave their last lecture and then suddenly start reading Dorian Gray. In one case a bro left his lab practical and moved to an adjoining lecture hall with several other bros to discuss the ramifications of ocean acidifcation.”

Whether this behavior is out of spite for the idea of organized education or simply a hormonal trigger is yet to be seen, but Patel is fascinated in further study. “I want to continue exploring this idea in the hopes that I can discover the true meaning behind bros suddenly not being egocentric meat heads with raging hard-ons for stupid behavior. I also want to figure out why they thought it was so funny I liked Deep Space Nine…assholes.”

Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By.

So Ben pulled a muscle doing his kegel exercises and as a result is too doped up to write funny stuff. And me? Well… I’m too busy listening to Thrice’s The Whaler to be funny.

Be back next week. Be good.

xx