Author Archives: Nozhorbritvah

Tron Legacy: Nerd Erection Ahoy!

I had read quite a few negative reviews for Tron Legacy before seeing it myself. They ranged from critics with a superiority complex nitpicking  plot details to people who barely attempted to hide their disdain for every element of the film. So despite Daft Punk’s boner-inducing soundtrack, I was understandably cautious when entering the theater. Well, having now seen it several times, I think the verdict is clear: Olivia Wilde will be my bride and critics are whiny crybabies. But more coherently, the film is a fantastic sci fi adventure that maintains an interesting plot while still incorporating that famous Disney polish/censorship.

The plot is mainly the journey of  Sam Flynn, son of the first film’s protagonist . Sam was abandoned by his tech genius father when Kevin Flynn disappeared off the face off the earth. Now a cynical adult, Sam is drawn back to his father’s arcade by a mysterious pager message and finds himself in a new virtual world. Now I won’t go through the whole plot but I do have to say that between all the insane environments (Legitimately gorgeous given all the negative space) and chase scenes are some very interesting points to ponder. The idea of gods and their role in our lives is explored, how an all powerful figure can polarize individuals into those who venerate and those who rebel. There is also some legitimate light shed on the motivation for dictatorship, a desire for perfection that can be fanatical even when it is logically unobtainable. Aside from these points, the plot falls very close to Star Wars: A New Hope. There is a specially empowered individual who survived genocide, a desire by the antagonist to obtain a piece of technology and the same archetypal characterization (wise sage, brash apprentice, a figure “twisted” by corruption.)  The acting is fantastic, with Wilde standing out as a really good actress who clearly  isn’t content skiing by on looks. Hedlund makes a believable orphan out of Sam Flynn, and his comparisons to Sam Worthington are completely uncalled for (Aside from a few bad bits of dialogue, not technically his fault.) Micheal Sheen brings a special mischievous panic to his scenes, and is worth the price of admission alone. And of course Bridges brings his brand of  comfort food charisma.

But I did realize something upon leaving the theater. Films that are now cult sci fi classics, films like Blade Runner and Akira would be torn to pieces now at days. Our society is mainly composed of two film viewers. Those who never think about what they are watching and get bored during long bouts of  dialogue, and those who think everything no matter how meticulously made is incoherent garbage. And that they, if imparted with the same budget, would make something that wasn’t “plebian baby bullshit.” The former group needs to read more, and the latter needs to get their collectible Farscape maquette out of their proverbial asshole. Sit back and enjoy Tron Legacy, it’s a sci fi adventure with heart that requires a person willing to be part good listener, part thrill ride attendee. End of Line.

Article Delays

Sorry about the delay, Maggie J and I contracted a bad case of Typhoid from sitting next to a juggalo. Sit tight kiddies, these rectally administered immunizations hurt.

Nerds Rage Over Retro Comic Tees

Nerds are not to be trifled with. It’s a known fact that while primarily docile creatures, provoking them is like messing around with a goose. One goose may seem an easy target. But inevitably other geese arrive, and then pummel you with their 20-sided dice. In any case, someone has disturbed the balance of nerd calm. A force far more irritating than guidos and far less prone to threats of genocide than furries: Hipsters.

The explosion in the trend for retro clothing has reached an all-time high recently. But the truly die hard hipsters are unhappy with Marvel shirts sold in target. Instead they flock to high end clothing stores to buy superhero tees designed with the utmost dedication to retro design. These shirts are bought by said hipsters with little thought to whether they know the actual fictional heroes portrayed on said clothing. And the nerds are revolting.

“I don’t want the flannel cocksuckery of hipster culture allowing some heathen to announce he likes Green Lantern. He probably doesn’t even know who Sinestro is.” said one thickly bespectacled young man. We asked for his name but he then became distracted by the game of Chrono Trigger he was playing. Seriously, we tried really hard to get his name. But hipsters think very differently of this purchasing trend. One girl-jeans-wearing gentleman in a vomit colored hoodie explained that, “I saw the guy from Fear Before wearing a shirt with Batman on it. It goes great with my vintage loafers. It isn’t a crime.”

Not a crime indeed…but if it was I’d make it punished by canine facilitated castration.

Seaside Club Accidentally Plays Animal Collective: Spawns Hipsters

Seaside, New Jersey is best known for deformed dwarf beast Snookie and heart clogging Zeppoli. But two days ago it was the site of a far more terrifying event: Hipster Metamorphosis. A little known phenomenon, it has been scientifically quantified as the transformation of one stereotype into another. Rutgers Researcher Simon Patel who discussed Bro behaviors had this to say: “It is usually during the introduction of a completely radical stimuli never encountered by the individual of one clique that a chemical change in the brain occurs. This results in a mentality entirely driven by the newly encountered stimuli and many times an embrace of the characteristics of those who readily encounter said stimuli.”

The event occurred at club Blue Lagoon,  on one of the heaviest party nights. Some shmuck named Mario explained that. “Yeah we was packed in their like anchovies. Girls grabbing at my thick monster. We were waiting to beat up the beat to DJ Wayne’s beats, but then things went wrong.” Wrong indeed. Apparently someone had replaced DJ Wayne’s playlist with the Animal Collective’s debut cd. The result was carnage. The middle of the dance floor apparently opened up as people stopped dancing and began standing awkwardly in the center with their arms crossed. Some attempted to remove their Affliction t-shirts, whining loudly about the lack of an American Apparel nearby. Onlookers even reported that certain men sprouted ironic moustaches, while affected girls ran out of the club, searching for the nearest tattoo parlor for their swallow shoulder piece. While many guidos escaped unharmed, the long term effects of the music is unknown. The Seaside area is still being combed for wild hipsters, in the hopes it will return to a primarily spray-tan imbecile population in short order.

Review LMFAO-Party Rock

Pasquinade press likes to think of itself as a multi talented agency, equally providing commentary and criticism to all forms of news and types of media. And so when asked to review Grammy nominated album Party Rock by LMFAO, I knew all opinion would have to be set aside. So I snorted three sizeable lines of cocaine and locked myself in our venetian villa style offices for an unbiased listen. What I’ve really elucidated is that Party Rock is by all standards a unique album, its tracks painting a definitive picture. A picture of an old man rampantly fucking doves in the park.

Track 1: Rock the Beat

Oh LMFAO this sounds like Eye of the Tiger. And then you start talking. This song is about drinking and dancing. I’m sure the other tracks will be different. I also supported appeasement during WWII.

Track 2: I’m in Miami Bitch

You’d think this song would be an essay illustrating a strong opinion on living in the Florida area. It appears instead LMFAO focused on the ability to drink and dance at a club. It occurs to me these men aren’t singing nearly as much as attempting to sound like they have speech impediments. Not enough cocaine in the world can save me.

Track 3: Get Crazy

I’m writing this at the end of I’m In Miami Bitch and pray this song will be about something other than partying. Not that I don’t appreciate a good party song, but LMFAO has basically made it almost boring to listen to tales of alcoholism and rhythm….oh wait this is the Jersey Shore theme. “…Ho ho ho and a bottle of goose.” “…Titties nontheless.” If I had to give a good equivalent to this song I think  an anesthesia-less vasectomy strikes pretty close to the mark.

Track 3: Lil’ Hipster

This song starts out with an intro akin to that used by Daft Punk. Which is sort of like feeding a blindfolded man Belgian truffles before ushering over the naked multi-phallus’d trucker for the main course. The backbeat to this song almost makes it seem like I’m listening to a song with composition and vocals that correlate to the rhythm. Then they steal a part of Zombie Nation and I realize this album is something akin to a drop of jizz from a load the devil mistakenly shot up to earth.

Track 4: Lalala

This song was a single, and fairly popular in clubs. The chorus is literally Lalala… So really there are no words in the chorus. So essentially a club song can have me talking about dissecting a Somalian hooker’s lady parts and with the right backing every Affliction wearing bro and snookie-anatomical dwarf beast will be getting their groove on to it. Its worth noting that autotune plays about as much of a part in this album as alcohol did in Charlton Heston’s life.

Track 5: What Happens at the Party

Gosh I wonder what this song will be about. I think it’s vital I mention not one song I’ve heard on this album resonates anything in my head except a, “dog told me to kill LMFAO” urge. I can see this album pitch, “Well it’s fourteen songs about partying and drinking. Where we explicitly discuss the acts and do nothing in the way of lyrical implication or substance.” Somewhere the cosmic force that made David Bowie is checking its head size in reference to its oven capacity.

Track 6: Leaving U 4 the Groove

Track 7: I Don’t Wanna Be

I swear the backing chorus to this is “kill again.” If you feel like disputing this, feel free to come to our offices. Bring a hunk of wood to bite down on and a shard of glass with one side taped up. The surprise of how I combine them will be revealed when you arrive.

Track 8: Shots

Yep, can’t make it through this . But I’ll end this review on the one good track of the album. Good in the sense that if you double fist alcohol and a chaser in tune to the command of “shots!” you will become so unbelievably drunk that its likely you will throw money at your friends when asked to play your turn at Apples to Apples. This is just a comparative, and in no way reflects a real life event. At all. Party on troglodytes.

Trip to Hollister Equated to Tour of Duty in Vietnam

Recent scientific studies at the FIT science division have determined that a trip to Hollister is a psychological and sensory equivalent to completing a tour of duty in the military during the Vietnam war. After sending several volunteering students to a Hollister on an unrelated project, FIT science specialists were shocked to find the returning individuals traumatized and ashamed. Comparisons to war-time guilt and trauma were inescapable, and soon comparative research found the closest comparison to be the level of damage experienced by Vietnam veterans. Seeing how damaging this situation proved, scientists did what they do best and recruited more volunteers in exchange for monetary compensation, sending them out to see if in fact war-time Vietnam and Hollister were correlated on a post traumatic stress level. Volunteers were encouraged to write notes on the situations they were facing for further material to be evaluated. Here, displayed for the first time to the public, is one such account.

Subject: B4678

Sex: M

Objective: Sent out to retrieve pair of boot-cut jeans.

_____________________________________________

-I have arrived at the store. The mood lighting is extremely off-putting and employees are scarce. I find myself staring over my shoulder often expecting another patron or staff folding clothing. The shelves housing the clothing are even darker and checking sizes is nearly impossible. There is something ominous about this place, and I feel as if I am unprepared, even with my mom’s Amex.

-I came in between songs on the radio here, and foolishly thought my senses handicapped then. Now, thirty seconds into a pop rock song, my ears are ringing. I am fumbling in the area for jeans, searching recklessly for a 32 waist. There are still no employees and my brain races with confusion as to why anyone would want to pretend they were at a club while shopping for clothes.

-Two customers finally pass me. I thought I was entirely alone. But seeing them explains how this place ravages a person. First a muscled young man in an Ed Hardy t-shirt. It looks like he spilled funfetti on a tattoo design. He grabs clothing with little regard to its price or color. A bleach blonde girl whose skin is painfully orange even in this light struts around, and scoffs at me, as if disgusted I would look at her incredibly slutty outfit. I cannot unsee these things but pray I can somehow leave them buried in my subconscious. I would rather be tortured in my nightmares than acknowledge the man’s chin strap.

-I stumble to the cash register where a squeaky voiced tan girl rings me up. I can hear nothing over the Metro Station song playing, and the receipt is indecipherable in this light. Suddenly panic overtakes all rationale and I grab my bag, ignoring the offer to join their rewards club. The florescent lighting of the mall hallway is the definition of relief, and I emerge clutching the remainder of my humanity. But the damage has been done. My jeans have fake holes worn in them, and now seem to be made out of a cheaper material then in the tinted lighting. The receipt is a testament to my sins, a price unreasonable for any apparel. But I dare not to go back to return it, or confess what I have noticed. I have suffered enough. But several emo mall rats think other wise, and calling me a “faggy jock”. One spits near my person. God forgive me for what I’ve done.

___________________________

A sordid tale indeed. Next article we’ll be covering a recent study on Applebee’s service as it compares to being on a train to Auschwitz.

Scientific Results Show Bro Behavior Becomes Productive Post Academic Year

Rutgers researcher Simon Patel is an expert on the behavior of bros.  Patel has been the head of Rutgers bro-studies department since its formation in the mid-nineties. His studies up until this point have included the violent consequences of a pizza shortage on a Thursday night and endangering himself in a particularly controversial study on bro rage levels correlating to the changing of a party iPod to something other than hip hop remixes. However, a recent study has unearthed easily the most fascinating element of bro behavior Patel has ever seen.

“I call it temporary intellectualism and it is in fact a behavior found exclusively in bros. Though traces of the behavior have been found in samples of stoners. The behavior essentially entails a bro becoming suddenly interested in intellectually nurturing material the minute his academic studies have been completed.”

Up until the moment the final exam is turned in, the bro remains entirely content in drinking case upon case of cheap beer and watching porn with a group of several men grabbing at the crotch of their sweat pants in a totally non-gay way. But Patel was shocked to note through samplings of bro behavior that as soon as the academic year ends, this propensity for Natti Ice and sorostitutes becomes non-existent. “I’ve observed bros leave their last lecture and then suddenly start reading Dorian Gray. In one case a bro left his lab practical and moved to an adjoining lecture hall with several other bros to discuss the ramifications of ocean acidifcation.”

Whether this behavior is out of spite for the idea of organized education or simply a hormonal trigger is yet to be seen, but Patel is fascinated in further study. “I want to continue exploring this idea in the hopes that I can discover the true meaning behind bros suddenly not being egocentric meat heads with raging hard-ons for stupid behavior. I also want to figure out why they thought it was so funny I liked Deep Space Nine…assholes.”