Author Archives: Maggie

Tax Dollars Spent on Congressional Field Trip

The sources of the Pasquinade Press have recently brought the following to our attention: it seems that the United States Congress has used taxpayer money to embark on a field trip to the as-yet-unopened Harry Potter Wizarding World.

The trip is on public record, buried under pages and pages of bookkeeping.  However, the tireless insiders at Pasquinade Press forged bravely ahead to reveal to the American public where their hard-earned dollars are really going: to a meticulously crafted theme park in Universal Studios, Florida.

The records indicate that 535 special preview tickets to the theme park were purchased, along with the materials for that many bag lunches. Some of the representatives insisted on free-range turkey cold cuts as opposed to the standard-issue Boar’s Head.   Once at the park, the visitors were allotted funds for one butterbeer, a Hogwarts souvenir robe, and a ride of their choice.

When we inquired about the trip, several Senators shrugged off the suggestion that perhaps spending public funding on such things was unethical.

“It was really fun! So much detail. And I mean, who doesn’t want a souvenir Hogwarts robe? Go Gryffindor!” said Mark Pryor, an Arkansas senator.  John Kerry took a slightly different approach:

“Well… they seem okay with us using their money to think of new and creative ways to kill people…” he says thoughtfully with a finger on his chin. “But in reality, spending it on something that’s an extension of such an ardent advocate of Satanism and witchcraft probably wasn’t the best idea. I’m sorry. I’ll just take my purple hearts and my butterbeer and go.”

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The Tragic Downfall of Cady Heron

“I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army  pants and flip-flops,” said an idolater of the “Plastics” clique in the film Mean Girls. This is simple teenage insecurity translating into the envy of another insecure teen who is simply better at hiding it than others.

Unfortunately, since her glory days in the Plastics clique, Cady Heron’s life has taken a turn for the substantially worse, derailed by several run-ins with the law, drugs, and alcohol. Those who worship her, however, have remained steadfast in their devotion.

“Cady Heron got a DUI and a SCRAM device, so I got a DUI and a SCRAM device,” one former classmate said.

“She always looks fierce. Even when she began to look a little bit like Donatella Versace,”  another admirer commented.  School administrators are baffled by her continuous popularity.  Mr. Duvall, principal of the high school, shakes his head sadly.

“Cady’s recent exploits have been upsetting at best. I heard she was last seen partying at a club in Miami. It’s a sign of hard times. She won’t even give up partying to attend her Mathletes competition.”

Regina George, deposed queen of the Plastics, neglected to comment. With some coercion, one of our sources, a self-proclaimed “daughter of the inventor of toaster strudel,” informed us that Regina was delighted with Cady’s personal problems. “She can’t get enough of it.  She’s just happy to have Aaron back, and that’s not really her fault. It’s Cady’s. For drinking so much she almost killed him in a car accident.”

We here at Pasquinade Press would like to wish Cady Heron a speedy recovery back to sobriety and sincerely wish she was still hot. Over and out.

BP Announces Final Solution to Massive Oil Spill

After weeks of engineers, experts, and scientists working tirelessly to combat thousands of gallons of crude oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico daily, BP’s chief executive could barely contain his excitement surrounding a solution that was definite and reliable:

“Ty and Tyco executives have teamed up to provide the perfect solution to the hole in the Gulf floor.  We have decided to stop up the hole with the vast amount of nineties trend toys these companies produced with the erroneous hope that their once-valuable products would remain in demand forever.”

The response to this suggestion was lukewarm, citing the wastefulness behind stuffing thousands of dollars worth of toys into a hole.  More optimistic people have wasted no time in pointing out that wasting billions of dollars of crude oil is a far more egregious offense.

“There are thousands of these toys sitting around being ignored in Hallmark and Toys R’ Us stores across the country,” BP’s chief executive said. “Their stuffing and fur make them absorbent, and their sheer quantity will prove useful.”

Some collectors are outraged, speculating on the value of Beanie Babies once their former popularity hits the twenty-year mark.  “Can you imagine the prices people will pay for these in 2017?!” said one enthusiast, beaniegurl85, on an online forum.

The solution will be implemented, if necessary, after attempts are made to use the “top kill” method currently being tested.  Executives of all three companies have, so far, refused to comment on the statistical probability of avid collectors diving down to the hole during the night and excavating the vast wealth of toys plugging it up.

Ke$ha Wakes Up Feeling Like Herself

After months of waking up “feeling like P. Diddy,” Ke$ha, the singer of the hit song “Tik Tok,” woke up feeling like herself after the effects of a four day cocaine bender wore off.

“It didn’t feel too different,” she posted on her Twitter account.  Music executives have rushed to quell the rumors that the song, in its entirety, was a sham all along.

“Kesha did not genuinely inhabit the body of Sean Combs,” RCA Records executives said in a statement. “That is more literal interpretation than originally intended.  In fact, to set the record straight at the risk of her fans needing to alter their translation of the song, she consistently woke up feeling irrelevant and like people didn’t really know what she did for a living.”

When asked via Twitter by a high school football captain if she had ever brushed her teeth with Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey, Kesha was advised to tread carefully in her answer: “because I’d lose mad respect for you if you didn’t. That shit is pretty awesome, bro.”

The pop star admits to being slightly overwhelmed to all the attention paid to her post on the social networking site, but music industry analysts are nonplussed.

“It’s simply a matter of relating to people. How many morons does it take to make another moron famous?” said Jim Ashton, a widely-respected music blogger who tracks the latest industry trends.  “Answer: enough to break digital music downloading records.” At this, Ashton shakes his head, seeming genuinely baffled.

Steve Jobs’ Latest Victory: Photography

At a recent technology convention, Steve Jobs once again wowed the world with the ingenuity of the Apple engineers.

“We have discovered,” announced Jobs to a crowd of raucous and enthusiastic supporters, “that when you expose certain non-sensitive media to different types of radiation and light, it can create a chemical imprint of what you are viewing right at that instant.  You can capture moments in your every day experiences. You can capture landscapes. You can create art from life happening all around you. This has so much potential to be a beautiful, complex process.”

The announcement and unveiling of the new subsequent Apple products for producing such images, such as the iD50 and the iRebel, were met with widespread curiosity and excitement.

“I can’t wait to buy one of these image-producing machines!” writes a consumer on an Apple forum. “I just hope they have touch screens, since I can’t really remember how to push buttons.”

Though consumers seem to be supportive, other companies are less so, citing minor flaws in the program.  Steve McCurry, world-renowned photojournalist for National Geographic and other publications, commented on his blog that he was “pretty sure this already existed.” Other critics have issues with the aesthetics of the groundbreaking new technology, the most common being that the iD50 and iRebel are unoriginal models based on cameras already in production and during the presentation were simply painted white. However, supporters of the ambitious Apple Inc. efforts dismiss these claims, calling critics “pathetic naysayers of Steve Jobs’ obviously genius vision.”

When told about the release of the new products, Michio Kariya, president of Nikon, reacted with obvious disgust. His statement, translated loosely from its original Japanese: “you have got to be fucking kidding me.”

4 Top Models Dead After Gruesome Photo Shoot

The reality television world is reeling after the tragic and gruesome deaths of four contestants of the hit show America’s Next Top Model during an especially risky photo shoot.

Though authorities have not yet commented on the circumstances of the deaths, insiders have said that the show, which usually presents challenging, creative editorials that vaguely reference the modeling experiences of host Tyra Banks, was in the process of shooting a Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory tribute.  The models were expected to recreate various famous scenes from the 1971 film, including the Fizzy Lifting Drink scene in which Charlie and his grandfather must burp to lower themselves down after consuming Fizzy Lifting Drinks to avoid being sucked into a turbine in the ceiling.

“This is all well and good,” confessed one of the insiders, “only…unfortunately…the real-life cure for Fizzy Lifting Drinks isn’t burping. Or, apparently, screaming.”

Through public records, Pasquinade Press has learned that the violent incident occurred due to a malfunctioning harness which was supposed to stop just before the models got to the top of the chamber, recreated specifically for the shoot.

When asked for a comment, Tyra Banks issued this statement, catching criticism on a massive scale: “I was trying to teach the girls that it’s important to remain fierce in the face of all kinds of temptation, including the temptation to eat.  I would have mastered that shoot, but not all models have the strength to overcome all the obstacles of creativity while simultaneously selling an outfit.  It’s such a shame that these beautiful girls had to learn the hard way that they were not meant to be models.”

Though many have called for the cancellation of the show, major corporate entities and talent agencies have shown a surprising amount of support: “We favor the continuation of America’s Next Top Model even in the face of such a horrible accident,” said a blurb on the Cover Girl website: “otherwise, how the hell are we supposed to find cheap, nameless models to promote our products?”

Technical Difficulties, Please Stand By.

So Ben pulled a muscle doing his kegel exercises and as a result is too doped up to write funny stuff. And me? Well… I’m too busy listening to Thrice’s The Whaler to be funny.

Be back next week. Be good.

xx