The Tragic Downfall of Cady Heron

“I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army  pants and flip-flops,” said an idolater of the “Plastics” clique in the film Mean Girls. This is simple teenage insecurity translating into the envy of another insecure teen who is simply better at hiding it than others.

Unfortunately, since her glory days in the Plastics clique, Cady Heron’s life has taken a turn for the substantially worse, derailed by several run-ins with the law, drugs, and alcohol. Those who worship her, however, have remained steadfast in their devotion.

“Cady Heron got a DUI and a SCRAM device, so I got a DUI and a SCRAM device,” one former classmate said.

“She always looks fierce. Even when she began to look a little bit like Donatella Versace,”  another admirer commented.  School administrators are baffled by her continuous popularity.  Mr. Duvall, principal of the high school, shakes his head sadly.

“Cady’s recent exploits have been upsetting at best. I heard she was last seen partying at a club in Miami. It’s a sign of hard times. She won’t even give up partying to attend her Mathletes competition.”

Regina George, deposed queen of the Plastics, neglected to comment. With some coercion, one of our sources, a self-proclaimed “daughter of the inventor of toaster strudel,” informed us that Regina was delighted with Cady’s personal problems. “She can’t get enough of it.  She’s just happy to have Aaron back, and that’s not really her fault. It’s Cady’s. For drinking so much she almost killed him in a car accident.”

We here at Pasquinade Press would like to wish Cady Heron a speedy recovery back to sobriety and sincerely wish she was still hot. Over and out.


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