Seaside, New Jersey is best known for deformed dwarf beast Snookie and heart clogging Zeppoli. But two days ago it was the site of a far more terrifying event: Hipster Metamorphosis. A little known phenomenon, it has been scientifically quantified as the transformation of one stereotype into another. Rutgers Researcher Simon Patel who discussed Bro behaviors had this to say: “It is usually during the introduction of a completely radical stimuli never encountered by the individual of one clique that a chemical change in the brain occurs. This results in a mentality entirely driven by the newly encountered stimuli and many times an embrace of the characteristics of those who readily encounter said stimuli.”
The event occurred at club Blue Lagoon, on one of the heaviest party nights. Some shmuck named Mario explained that. “Yeah we was packed in their like anchovies. Girls grabbing at my thick monster. We were waiting to beat up the beat to DJ Wayne’s beats, but then things went wrong.” Wrong indeed. Apparently someone had replaced DJ Wayne’s playlist with the Animal Collective’s debut cd. The result was carnage. The middle of the dance floor apparently opened up as people stopped dancing and began standing awkwardly in the center with their arms crossed. Some attempted to remove their Affliction t-shirts, whining loudly about the lack of an American Apparel nearby. Onlookers even reported that certain men sprouted ironic moustaches, while affected girls ran out of the club, searching for the nearest tattoo parlor for their swallow shoulder piece. While many guidos escaped unharmed, the long term effects of the music is unknown. The Seaside area is still being combed for wild hipsters, in the hopes it will return to a primarily spray-tan imbecile population in short order.