After weeks of engineers, experts, and scientists working tirelessly to combat thousands of gallons of crude oil spilling into the Gulf of Mexico daily, BP’s chief executive could barely contain his excitement surrounding a solution that was definite and reliable:
“Ty and Tyco executives have teamed up to provide the perfect solution to the hole in the Gulf floor. We have decided to stop up the hole with the vast amount of nineties trend toys these companies produced with the erroneous hope that their once-valuable products would remain in demand forever.”
The response to this suggestion was lukewarm, citing the wastefulness behind stuffing thousands of dollars worth of toys into a hole. More optimistic people have wasted no time in pointing out that wasting billions of dollars of crude oil is a far more egregious offense.
“There are thousands of these toys sitting around being ignored in Hallmark and Toys R’ Us stores across the country,” BP’s chief executive said. “Their stuffing and fur make them absorbent, and their sheer quantity will prove useful.”
Some collectors are outraged, speculating on the value of Beanie Babies once their former popularity hits the twenty-year mark. “Can you imagine the prices people will pay for these in 2017?!” said one enthusiast, beaniegurl85, on an online forum.
The solution will be implemented, if necessary, after attempts are made to use the “top kill” method currently being tested. Executives of all three companies have, so far, refused to comment on the statistical probability of avid collectors diving down to the hole during the night and excavating the vast wealth of toys plugging it up.