Rutgers researcher Simon Patel is an expert on the behavior of bros. Patel has been the head of Rutgers bro-studies department since its formation in the mid-nineties. His studies up until this point have included the violent consequences of a pizza shortage on a Thursday night and endangering himself in a particularly controversial study on bro rage levels correlating to the changing of a party iPod to something other than hip hop remixes. However, a recent study has unearthed easily the most fascinating element of bro behavior Patel has ever seen.
“I call it temporary intellectualism and it is in fact a behavior found exclusively in bros. Though traces of the behavior have been found in samples of stoners. The behavior essentially entails a bro becoming suddenly interested in intellectually nurturing material the minute his academic studies have been completed.”
Up until the moment the final exam is turned in, the bro remains entirely content in drinking case upon case of cheap beer and watching porn with a group of several men grabbing at the crotch of their sweat pants in a totally non-gay way. But Patel was shocked to note through samplings of bro behavior that as soon as the academic year ends, this propensity for Natti Ice and sorostitutes becomes non-existent. “I’ve observed bros leave their last lecture and then suddenly start reading Dorian Gray. In one case a bro left his lab practical and moved to an adjoining lecture hall with several other bros to discuss the ramifications of ocean acidifcation.”
Whether this behavior is out of spite for the idea of organized education or simply a hormonal trigger is yet to be seen, but Patel is fascinated in further study. “I want to continue exploring this idea in the hopes that I can discover the true meaning behind bros suddenly not being egocentric meat heads with raging hard-ons for stupid behavior. I also want to figure out why they thought it was so funny I liked Deep Space Nine…assholes.”