4 Top Models Dead After Gruesome Photo Shoot

The reality television world is reeling after the tragic and gruesome deaths of four contestants of the hit show America’s Next Top Model during an especially risky photo shoot.

Though authorities have not yet commented on the circumstances of the deaths, insiders have said that the show, which usually presents challenging, creative editorials that vaguely reference the modeling experiences of host Tyra Banks, was in the process of shooting a Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory tribute.  The models were expected to recreate various famous scenes from the 1971 film, including the Fizzy Lifting Drink scene in which Charlie and his grandfather must burp to lower themselves down after consuming Fizzy Lifting Drinks to avoid being sucked into a turbine in the ceiling.

“This is all well and good,” confessed one of the insiders, “only…unfortunately…the real-life cure for Fizzy Lifting Drinks isn’t burping. Or, apparently, screaming.”

Through public records, Pasquinade Press has learned that the violent incident occurred due to a malfunctioning harness which was supposed to stop just before the models got to the top of the chamber, recreated specifically for the shoot.

When asked for a comment, Tyra Banks issued this statement, catching criticism on a massive scale: “I was trying to teach the girls that it’s important to remain fierce in the face of all kinds of temptation, including the temptation to eat.  I would have mastered that shoot, but not all models have the strength to overcome all the obstacles of creativity while simultaneously selling an outfit.  It’s such a shame that these beautiful girls had to learn the hard way that they were not meant to be models.”

Though many have called for the cancellation of the show, major corporate entities and talent agencies have shown a surprising amount of support: “We favor the continuation of America’s Next Top Model even in the face of such a horrible accident,” said a blurb on the Cover Girl website: “otherwise, how the hell are we supposed to find cheap, nameless models to promote our products?”

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