Transformers director and action movie guru Michael Bay has signed on to produce Warner Bros remake of The Breakfast Club. While up until now few details were known about the film, Bay recently did an interview with this journalist and gave some much needed insight into his direction for the film and his overall view on directing
PPress: So Micheal, The Breakfast Club is heralded as a cult classic by many and your announcement caused quite an uproar from some of the internet community. What do you think about these naysayers of your attempt to re-imagine the film?
MB: They are just pussy douchers [takes sip of bejeweled beer mug filled with Red Bull and vodka.] It’s not my fault they don’t understand that sometimes films get old and gay and need to be made new and shiny with less emphasis on plot and more on awesome shit happening. Cause everyone loves seeing something new, and young.
(Interval of time large enough to merit noting during which there is awkward silence and Micheal stares lasciviously at this reporter’s joeys.)
PPress: Yeah. So where do you intend to take the story of the original Breakfast Club in order to give it this new sheen?
MB: Well first off, it isn’t in a school anymore, its in a police station. And it’s these four twenty somethings…
PPress: I believe there were five students in the original.
MB: Well you only need one pussy per film. Now don’t interrupt. So the three dudes are cops in training and they get busted by their superior because they end up in this crazy car chase. Tons of carnage. They freakin blow up a skyscraper with an RPG. It shoots like, twenty rockets. It all ends with them at the site of all this wreckage and the boss is like, “You guys are going to the brig.”
PPress: This seems completely direction-less.
MB: Anyway [rolls eyes]. So they get put into this solitary confinement place all together and later their superior dumps this totally hot chick with them, a chick cop who got penalized for murdering some rapists she busted. Cause female independence plots will have the chick film-going population perioding Benjamins. So anyway, this chick, played by Megan Fox…duhh ends up in a sex scene with, get this shit, two of the dudes. D…P.
PPress: Uh huh.
MB: And then, while they are all confined, a cyber terrorist hijacks this new missile defense system the police station is testing, cause they are future cops. Yeah I didn’t mention that but it’s like the future. Like Blade Runner but without all the boring talking. So the defense system also activates these robots that kill everyone at the station but the four confined cops, and they have to break out and single-handedly save the city…get this…before eight o’clock. Cause that’s when the missile system is set to fire all these nukes at the earth. And that time is like breakfast time. Hence the title.
MB: Thanks. Yeah, I’m gonna milk the teat of every Maxim reading pre-teen and frat bro, and then buy myself a 24 carat gold catamaran to fuck hookers on.
So there you have it. Truly the art direction of Kubrick meets a mastery of mood rivaling Hitchcock. God bless Michael Bay.