An infant has been found dead outside a boutique in Beverly Hills, authorities have said,
The unnamed baby was about two weeks old, of an indeterminate sex. DNA tests have proven it to be the child of Paris Hilton, Tila Tequila, and an unnamed sperm donor.
“We’re not even sure how this is possible,” said a forensics expert for the California State Police. “But the baby did have all three genetic components, and a brain the size of a walnut, so…I believe it.”
The most gruesome and inexplicable twist comes with the speculation of the murder suspect. FBI agent Fox Mulder offered an explanation for this bizarre case:
“Though there are some skeptics among the investigation, we are starting to get a better picture of what happened here. It appears that upon learning of the reproduction of Paris Hilton and Tila Tequila, Charles Darwin not only rolled in his grave…he rolled out of it. And mangled this baby to death.” The major clue that led to this conclusion was the discovery of Darwin’s rotting corpse only yards away among some hedges. When asked for a statement, the two mothers of the baby had this to say:
“I am saddened to hear of the death of our baby,” Paris Hilton said. “Of course, if my nanny was even remotely responsible, and had taken my chihuahua along with her for a walk, I’m sure Schnookums would have attacked that Charlie Marwin or whatever the hell his name is.”
Tila Tequila did not issue a statement; however, she expressed her sentiments in a series of incoherent Twitter posts that our staff of interpreters are still attempting to decipher.