For some time television was cursed with a glut of home makeover channels. Lower middle class peons would appeal to an “expert” for help and in return he or she would modify their surroundings into a more acceptable abode. Quite a few channels jumped on the bandwagon for this trend and had their own home makeover incarnation. But what is not known is a unique take on home makeovers that never made it to the airwaves.
For some time MTV2 had been prepping their Celebrity Home Makeover program. A program in which, as an interesting twist, celebrities would be brought in to remodel homes. However being MTV2, the celebrities usually fell into the category of “clutching at the last vestiges of fame” or “Marilyn Manson.” A double-edged sword in terms of choices. Their roster being, as one MTV exec described, “dog shit on a stick,” the show was scrapped. Their first episode however, had a shockingly well known and respected individual modifying a humble home. H. R. Giger, best known as the creator of the design used in Ridley Scott’s Alien was the first celebrity guest, and quite a memorable one. This journalist had the privilege of seeing a cut of the first episode, and Giger’s modifications were truly fascinating. What follows is an unbiased summary of the most fascinating events of the episode, for reader ease.
-The family whose home is about to be modified, Larry and Sarah Henderson, are introduced. They appear conservative and Larry looks like Mr. Roger’s pedophile brother.
-The home is toured, and appears drab and painfully white. There are few pictures or paintings adorning the walls and a dog so retarded it could be a muppet blocks out any sound with its shrill yelps.
-Giger is ushered into the home and after a brief glance covers his mouth. The camera cuts away as he begins to vomit.
-Giger mentions something to the camera man about “Ushering out the scum sucking larvae.” The family seems more than eager to leave when seeing who will be altering their home, and there is a shot of Giger contemplating in the house alone. At this point the dog, left behind, begins barking and there is a great deal of cursing in broken English.
-Giger brings an entourage of tight black cloth wearing gentlemen into the garage. They are all conspicuously pale and thin. He then orders them to work as they haul in giant containers of car parts, tubs of plaster, and what appears to be vats of black paint.
-Odd ambient screaming is played through the home as Giger orders his crew about. All personal items of the Henderson family are thrown into a tire fire Giger has created in the backyard. Shot of Giger sitting in an incredibly imposing throne in front of the fire, smiling perversely. Or creatively. Maybe that’s the same thing for him.
-The Henderson family returns to their home for the big reveal. On the outside the home appears exactly as before, and Larry scrunches his little kid touching face disapprovingly. Sarah knows Giger is famous and seems to encourage him into the home.
-The screaming family is ushered through the house, now a labyrinth of bone and black dripping phallic symbols. Giger smiles in sadistic satisfaction as his entourage follows, the assistants now wearing helmets that look like a baby’s head with vulvas for eyes.
-Giger explains each room, the family uttering blood curdling screams and falling repeatedly over protruding hands with penises for fingers. The breakfast nook is discussed in great detail, with Giger repeatedly referencing the rebirth of an otherworldly uterine deity being an integral part of the design. He sips a Jamba Juice throughout, at one point slapping the hand of one of his assistants who reaches to get a taste.
-The now comatose family is taken and lain down in beds that are designed to look like spike studded wombs. Giger turns to the camera and goes into a half hour monologue about the fragility of the human body and his desire to display how the inner mind can pervert physiology into a horrific caricature. He then exits the home with his entourage, gleefully explaining to the cameraman that they are “Going to the dark bowels of Chili’s for potato skins.”
Sadly the show never saw the light of day, and MTV2’s attempt to capture the niche market of Nu Metal females who want to remodel their homes was eliminated. Oh well, at least they still play music…kinda.