Note: This is Samuel Spacerton’s last article and hence by contractual obligation to his employment, we must include all his content, uncensored. We’d like to note his end of tenure here results from the aforementioned choice of “vocabulary.”
This particular reporter recently joked to a fellow employee that the Vatican was “caught in a bad romance.” Many laughs were shared, and then I got reported for breach of conduct by my now ex-douche bag boss. But how ironic the timing of my abhorrent sexual humor. Recent uncovered information from reliable old Vatican vassals has revealed that the pop sensation Lady GaGa was in fact a construct of the Papacy. “We were trying to detract from all the…goo goo grabbing that was going on. ” Said a morose and ancient Vatican worker who chose to remain anonymous.
And for some time the ” goo goo grabbing” was kept quiet, in no small part to Lady GaGa’s distraction as a superstar. With individuals compelled by the stories about her crazy outfits, and her having a dick (totally thought so bt-dubs) there could be more study of baby-glueology by the priests, or at least a better way of continuing the cover up of the acts. But the Vatican did not expect that the advent of similarly tacky artists like Ke$ha, driven by record exec greed, would remove the populace’s eye from Lady GaGa. And so the stray onlooker, no longer brainwashed by MTV, realized that among all the autotune, some guys who had been part of a religious state were doing serious boy touching. And that religious people really don’t like that. So now it is seriously bad over there. I for one would not be those guys…especially since I like girls only. And if I was forced to do that it’d be mad weird. Anyway, so Lady GaGa was responsible for stalling the reveal of the Vatican’s horrible conduct. More to come on this story, but not for me, because I think outside the box. And now my free will has me at Chick-fil-A, working a 3-11 shift five days a week. But whatever, they totally railed on Trotsky like this too, and all great thinkers.
Hit me up for free extra BBQ packets,