Ben and Jerry’s Unveils Three New Flavors

Ben and Jerry’s is famous for the clever and off-beat flavor names, and upon announcing that they came up with three brand new flavors for public consumption, we had to try them.

“We think this is the best lineup yet- by far, our most creative and daring experiment,” a representative explained excitedly over the phone. “A lot of blood, sweat, and tears went into creating these new flavors and we think everyone will love them.” The representative might not have been trying to be literal, but she was: the new line is named after gruesome people and events in history.  Though undoubtedly delicious, the flavor names have some people raising their eyebrows- right before they amorally stuff their mouths full of delicious ice cream, of course.

The “Apple Fritzl” flavor, a sweet and creamy concoction, has been voted the fan favorite out of the three. With sweet cream ice cream, chunks of cinnamon apple, and graham cracker crumbs, its inventors have made it a point to exclude any and all vitamin D from the formula.

The next flavor, “Goebbels Me Up,” is best served bitingly cold. It is a vanilla ice cream  base mixed with bananas and small white candies.  We recommend serving it with coconut shavings for that extra dose of flavor while still keeping things alarmingly Aryan.

The final flavor is opined by the representative we interviewed to be their masterpiece.  Cleverly named as well as absolutely fantastic, the “Hiroshima and Nougatsaki” flavor is a subtle engineering of various flavors to bring forth a delicious and historically pertinent impact.  It is bright green mint ice cream coupled with a soft and delicate nougat, finished off with candies in the shapes of the “Fat Man” and “Little Boy” bombs dropped on the two cities.  As far as we’re concerned, we can enjoy this treat without concern of radiation poisoning, but with definite fear of gaining a few pounds- it’s incredible and conducive to mass consumption!

Though the company has been bearing the brunt of some controversy surrounding their flavor names (especially for such a socially conscious company), their spokespeople have largely shrugged it off: “It’s entirely possible that these flavors are delicious to the point of being traumatizing.”


One response to “Ben and Jerry’s Unveils Three New Flavors

  1. Mmmm white supremacy melts the competition once again

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