Four Dead in Aftermath of Police Officer Falling on Gun

Four people are dead after a New Orleans police officer fell on his gun, officials have said.

The Police Department of the City of New Orleans did not field questions after holding a press conference to dispel rumors of a hate crime taking place in the city, as well as to reassure citizens that all measures possible are being taken to make trip-proof shoes for officers.

“We’re police officers. We don’t get paid to hate people. Our job is to dedicate ourselves to the people of New Orleans and uphold the law. Once in awhile, though, something happens. Our officer tripped and fell. It happens every day. Only this time, he fell and somehow his weapon went off,” said the New Orleans Chief of Police.  “We are, however, working with NASA to construct trip-proof shoes that will help us prevent this issue in the future,” he added, while making no attempt to conceal the rolling of his eyes. The press conference comes days after the story broke in the Times-Picayune where witnesses claimed the officer, whose name was not released, opened fire on civilians in a Wal-Mart parking lot. When asked whether or not this was a race-driven assault, most witnesses e vehemently denied the possibility.

“Well, they WERE at Wal-Mart.  They probably stole something. Or were thinking of stealing something. Or had their hands in their pockets. There could be anything in there, really,” said one witness, who asked not to be identified.

At present, the police department has made it clear that they are not interested in what they referred to as a “legal shitstorm” and will be conducting their own, “probably fairly thorough” investigation.

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