In a bold move in direct retaliation to a provision in the newly-passed health care reform bill, Staten Island has opted to secede from the United States.
The provision would tack on an extra ten percent tax onto the usage of tanning beds in salons. While the Obama administration contends that the tax is used to generate revenue for the costly health care overhaul, a vast majority of the population of Staten Island views it as a personal affront to their lifestyle.
President Elect Michael Sorrentino, best known for his antics as “The Situation” on MTV’s Jersey Shore, released this statement:
“Now this…THIS is a situation. Tanning is a huge part of the Staten Island lifestyle, especially for Guidos like myself who understand the ‘GTL’ philosophy. They really think they can take this away from us? I don’t think so. Just, no. This isn’t right.” Sorrentino then proceeded to halfheartedly lift up his t-shirt and absentmindedly scratch his head.
The secession is slated for July 1st, the day the tax goes into effect. Staten Island residents have largely rallied in support of the drastic move, as many feel neglected by the greater New York government. With a population of just under a half a million people, the local governments intend to support the new nation with income from their boardwalks and money accrued from the use of the Staten Island Ferry and the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge.
In what seems like a lukewarm response to the first secession since the Civil War, the Obama administration has refused to comment. One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained that their secession will actually not hugely effect the revenue expected to be generated from the tanning tax.
“Once the power goes out on the island, I’m sure that succubus Snooki will lead a crusade to storm into New Jersey and use their tanning beds instead. The most important move now is to fortify the New Jersey borders to prevent a hostile, melanoma-motivated takeover.”