US Uses Company Info to Find Criminal: A New and Shocking Tactic

The great country of America is one step closer to the inevitable capture of Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden. But it seems the cost of the victory is mounting.  Bin Laden has up until this point been relatively untraceable, his few assertions of survival in the form of released video messages, slandering the United States and urging other Muslim nations to rise up against the western nations. However, recent attempts to track Bin Laden have been put in the foreground in favor of a fantastic new tool: the internet. Tech experts in the US military determined that if Bin Laden was using the internet in one of his many hiding places, then they could use the internet service provider to find his location.

And of course the America-loving internet provider stood to the task and helped expose the account of Osama Bin Laden. (The company asked to remain anonymous and will be referred to under the pseudonym of Horizon Wireless.) Horizon Wireless found Obama’s account information through what the military referred to as “Legitimate Breaking of Customer Confidentiality” or LBCC. The results were far more terrifying than expected.

It turns out the infamous terrorist has actually been having issues with Horizon’s Wifi system. The provider promises a strong and reliable Wifi connection with 24/7 tech support, yet evidence suggested a very different situation. There were numerous messages sent via  Facebook and Skype to Bin Laden’s “bros” informing them that he couldn’t get a good enough signal to “WOW raid without lag.” Military coding experts are currently attempting to decode the acronym for information as to any future planned Al Qaeda attacks. In addition, Horizon unearthed a video of Bin Laden legitimately distraught that he was unable to log onto Farmville, fearing, “The death of his virtual crops as brutal as the death he wishes on the Western invaders.”

Horizon is currently facing a massive backlash due to negligence in providing proper service. A former Horizon employee even surfaced, describing the poor service provided for secluded militants. Ralph Sanders, now a video game programmer, explained that this isn’t the first time the situation has occurred. “We were always penny pinching on the brutal terrorist organizations,” said a disgusted Sanders, “Nobody short of Pol Pot could get a decent Wifi, and we would be laughing our way to the bank while they couldn’t even post pictures of mass graves on Photobucket to send to associates.” Horizon representatives were not available for comment.

But truly, this event has placed a thorn into the side of America. The price of capturing Bin Laden has come with the consequence of realizing brutal resistance groups are being cheated the right to a strong internet connection. And that our own wireless companies have stood by and casually ignored as brutal oligarchs and militant gun runners pleaded for a better signal strength. Americans everywhere are wondering if they are next and if it is possible that the average citizen may have to sit at their telephone for hours, waiting while an outsourced technical support provides the most general of instructions for optimum internet settings. This writer could not foresee a darker time than that.

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